Of Birds, Bees and Tsungi Horns
by smylealong
Summary: Fire Lord Zuko faces his toughest challenge yet- giving the Avatar the 'birds and bees' speech. To make matters worse, Sokka is 'helping'. How can it be anything but a disaster?


_A/N Just penning down a random idea that popped into my head. It sort of goes in the same universe as Scarred Bonds, but can be read as an independent story. Just some Zuko, Aang and Sokka fun._

* * *

 **OF BIRDS, BEES AND TSUNGI HORNS**

Fire Lord Zuko was proud to say that he had overcome many obstacles in his life. He had been burned, exiled, hunted, blown, frozen, starved, humiliated, electrocuted and had almost been assassinated a few times. But given the predicament he found himself in at that moment, the Fire Lord would have cheerfully done all of that- again.

He had been having a perfectly normal day when his best friend and brother in law barged in, dragging a yellow and orange thing with him. The 'thing' turned out to be the Avatar who was flailing helplessly against the more muscular Water Tribe Warrior.

"Should I even ask?" Zuko wondered as he eyed the duo with trepidation.

"Bro!" Sokka cried using the name with which he'd started calling Zuko since his marriage to Katara. "We have a problem!"

Zuko sighed, eyeing the pile of documents that lay waiting for him and decided that they could wait a little longer. This, whatever 'this' was, sounded way more important.

"Let's go somewhere more private," Zuko said, standing up, ignoring Aang's repeated assurances that everything was 'fine'. The fact that the monk looked an interesting shade of green with tinges of red here and there might have been an important factor in Zuko's decision.

"So," Zuko said, settling into his ante-chamber. Katara was at the infirmary so they had complete privacy with no one interfering the three friends. "Where's the fire?"

"There's no fire," Aang cried, exasperated. "Sokka has lost his mind."

"While I agree that that is entirely within the realm of possibilities," Zuko said, pouring tea for his friends. "I somehow doubt that it's the case this time. You look... strange."

"You would too!" Aang hollered, making both Sokka and Zuko cringe. Airbenders should be barred from screaming, it was injurious to the listener's health.

Zuko put a finger in his good ear, trying to stop it from ringing.

"Calm down!" Sokka said, mimicking Zuko. "You almost blew our ear drums off."

"Sorry," Aang said, looking mildly embarrassed. "But you were the one who was talking about my marriage and random things like flower petals opening to nectar that is better than cactus juice! But you wouldn't say what flower. Besides, you know that I don't drink. Why would I want something better than cactus juice?"

Zuko's eyes widened as he gaped at Sokka. No, no, no, no, no! This wasn't happening! No way!

"Sokka," Zuko said, using his most dangerous voice. "Please tell me this is not what I think it is."

"You actually made sense out of that?" Aang sounded half annoyed and half impressed.

Sokka nodded sagely. "Yes bro. Our Avatar has no clue about the manly arts. We as his friends and older men, should help him out."

Zuko had had it. "Hell no! I didn't sign up for this! I'm not telling a monk about the birds and bees. I have better things to do with my time."

"I know about birds and bees," Aang said indignantly. "I'm not an idiot."

"You do?" the heavier voices chorused, with identical expressions of incredulity on their faces.

"Of course! Birds are migratory creatures, usually looking for warmer climates. And bees flit from flower to flower, collecting honey."

The two men facepalmed.

"See?" Sokka sounded desperate. "Told you. No clue."

"No kidding," Zuko groaned. "Aang, sit down."

The monk obeyed mechanically. As covertly as he could, Zuko pinched himself, hoping to get up from the nightmare. He only ended up getting odd looks from his friends when he yelped.

 _This is happening. This is really happening._

Zuko took a deep breath and exhaled, not surprised to see faint tendrils of smoke coming out. "Aang, you see, what Sokka here is 'trying' to say is that after marriage you will have certain duties. As the husband. You will be responsible for Toph's contentment, pleasure and honor."

"Oh I know," Aang nodded sagely. "That's why I have planned that every year, I will set aside at least a month that is exclusively for Toph. I will take her to whatever place she wants and it'll just be the two of us. No Avatar duties at that time. Only my wife's pleasure and contentment at that time. And as for honor, we Airbenders believe that honor lays within oneself. As long as you can face yourself without questioning your decisions, you have lived an honorable life."

Zuko was shaking his head, wondering what he had done to deserve this.

"I don't think it's working, bro," Sokka said unhelpfully.

"What? I thought it was a great idea!" Aang whined.

"It is. It is," Zuko hastened. "It's a wonderful idea."

"But that's not what we are talking about, buddy."

"Then what ARE you talking about?" Aang stomped his foot in frustration. Seeing an almost adult resorting to such juvenile action would have been funny in other circumstances.

"You see," Zuko said, trying again. "Look... You know... Take Katara and I for example..."

"HELL NO!" Sokka boomed. "Look I know you're married to her and all that, but I don't want that mental image. Please! Spare me."

Sokka had a point. Besides, Zuko didn't really know where he was headed with that line of thought any way.

"What mental image?" Aang wondered. "What does Katara have to do with flowers or nectars or birds or bees or honor or pleasure or contentment? How are those things even related, by the way?"

Zuko pressed the bridge of his nose, wondering what he could do. Stuck by a sudden inspiration he looked up, "As Uncle would say, a woman is like a divine song. She is smooth and soft. Sure some notes maybe harsh but those are the days a man needs to stay strong. For the strength of a man depends not in his arms but in the heart that beats to rhythm of a song he hears. How the divinity touches him depends on how he plays the Tsungi horn."

Sokka and Aang looked at him with blank faces. "What?"

Zuko hung his head. "I have no idea. I suck at Uncle impersonation. Katara says I shouldn't even try."

"She maybe on to something there," Aang drawled.

Sokka shook his head and tried again. "Ignoring Zuko's... whatever that was, tell me, do you remember when we used to set up camp and Suki was with us?"

"Oh yeah, that was fun," Aang said.

"Did you ever wonder what they did when they disappeared for hours?" Zuko asked.

"Not particularly," Aang shrugged. "What they do is entirely their business."

Sokka threw his hands up in the air. "I give up! He's hopeless!"

Giving up was something Zuko never could do. So clearing his throat, Zuko decided for a direct approach. "Aang, do you know where babies come from?"

"Of course. I was there when Katara delivered a baby. They come from the mother."

"And how does the mother get them?" Sokka asked.

"Monk Gyatso told me that the spirits bless the mother."

Zuko had a mental image of himself incinerating the old monk. Shaking his head to clear his thoughts of murdering a long dead man, he focused on his oblivious friend. "Aang you know at least know about the monthly problem of women, right?"

"What monthly problems?"

"You know, the moon cycle," Sokka elaborated. "One where they go a little kooky."

"Don't let your sister hear you say that," Zuko warned. "It's sort of an ailment Aang. You dated Katara for a year and have been in a relationship with Toph for three years, surely you have noticed this."

"Uh... I'm sorry. I don't think Katara or Toph have any problems with the 'mysterious' ailment that you both are talking about. They're definitely NOT kooky. Scary, mad scary, but not kooky."

"Dude!" Sokka screamed. "How oblivious are you? How do you not know about the bleeding or about what a man or a woman do in the dark."

"You guys are talking about menstruation and sex? Why didn't you just say so? In fact, Toph and I..."

Aang couldn't finish the statement because Zuko had kicked Sokka's chair from under him.


End file.
